raw
I talked to a woman tonight who is contemplating using a friend as a gestational carrier.
She asked what I learned from the cycles last summer. I haven’t let myself think too much about it, and my message wasn’t exactly positive.
I learned that new and refreshed hope is devastating when it fails. I learned that even when you think you’ve found the answer, it’s not always going to work.
I hope it works for her. She said something about just hoping for that one baby. I remembered wishing that, too. Sort of – I always wanted more than one child.
This is when I wonder if I need to step away from the support groups – I lead, I try to be positive. But this stuff isn’t always positive. And sometimes I leave more drained and raw. Is this right for me? I want to give back, but I also, unfortunately, need to move on.
Hold My Hope 
I stepped away. I couldn’t do it anymore – I’m too bitter, and too jaded, and it’s just too much of a reminder of what I don’t have. I can’t even bring myself to congratulate people when they announce pregnancies. Maybe that makes me an jerk, but it’s just too much for me.
I’m in the same place. Wish it wasn’t so. For both of us.
xoxo
I think if you are feeling drained and raw then maybe it isn’t right for you right now. Can you step back a little for awhile? If you wanted to go back to it later, you can. But it seems like you need to take yourself away from it for now. I know I needed to step away, too.
What is keeping you from stepping back?
Of course it’s generous of you to give your time to a support group. But haven’t you already done your bit?
Can you scale down if you don’t want to quit altogether?