the beginning of the end

The beginning of the end of this blog happened during the bloodbath miscarriage.  It was a seat of the soul shaking event.  I didn’t have any serious hope after bleeding in that way that my body would ever successfully carry another pregnancy.  Something is wrong with my uterus – something that doctors don’t really know how to fix as they don’t fully understand what’s wrong.  Hopefully, someone will figure it out for the women who come after me.  I hoped that subsequent cycles might work; I knew in the depths of my being that they wouldn’t.  It’s just one of those things.

The end of the end of this blog?  The failed attempts at gestational carrier.  I remember everything about the day we first heard my dear friend’s lining wasn’t thickening as expected.  I remember tears at the edge of my eyes, I remember my doctor trying to explain how he wasn’t worried, and I remember knowing – that deep sense of knowing – that we were done.  Out of hope.  No more hope to hold.

I am so lucky.  I got BabyHope.  I am so unlucky.  I’ve had more strange, unlikely, nearly impossible things happen to my hopes and my body in this infertility journey.

I want another baby.  I may always want another baby.

I am still infertile.  I will probably always identify as infertile.

But I can’t write here anymore.  I have to live here and now – not holding on to hope for the impossible.  Maybe I’ll start fresh somewhere else, with a different purpose and a different audience.  I intend to leave the blog up.  All those strange and impossible things will maybe yield some hope to someone in the darkness.

The end.

 

~ by Larisa on March 26, 2012.